Tight V. Formation

I'm letting go of you. Finally.
I thought it would be different, I really did.
A year flowed by under my unmoving feet.
A year of self discovery, self preservation.
Self indulgence and sometimes self pity.
Still pieces of me remained motionless.
A door closed and reopened elsewhere.
I stepped through.
I waded through the heartbreak and remorse.
Jealousy was lost, but the anger and hatred remained.
Until now.
I'm letting that, go.
This is where my universe has shifted itself to.
I once told you I would be your beacon.
That you could always follow me home if the waves became insurmountable.
The light has been turned off.
For my own well being and to be fair to those I now love.

I am so sorry.
You are on your own.

she closes her eyes and imagines her life
beneath palm trees that dance on an ocean breeze
and endless blue skies
the clouds that reside
dance in her head where memories lie
of lighthouses and heavy storms
comfort her when she is alone
and loneliness is unforgiving
and emptyness is unrelenting
and happiness is as easy as just
dreaming of the sand beneath her toes
and she's the only one who knows

the sun gently slips behind the january mountains

leaving the sky to fend for itself

against the harsh, black, moonless night

i, myself, a bystander

watch from a hill high above the oilfields

and smoke a Marlboro

gathering my makeshift thoughts

and trying to grasp some

sort of perspective of myself

sometimes i feel crowded...

that there's just one too many kooks

aboard this square yellow bus

sometimes the clown is driving

with his self-depreciating humor

but the smile he wears is painted on

he hides behind it and

sometimes I glimps it

as a single tear runs down his

white cheek

splashing harmlessly against his

grey faded lapels

at other times it is the demon

who smiles devilishly and

who delights in steering us

slightly askew

seemingly intreagued by the suffering

of others at his own gain

when he is driving

we all duck and cover

then sometimes the intellect drives

and takes us on a cultural tour

of life that surrounds us

as he feigns concern

at the plight of the less fortunate

but he knows he is just a myth

and fear will always

keep a tight reign on his thoughts

but fear doesn't ever drive

he only sits in the corner of the bus

alone

with his .357

and the rest of us wonder

when he'll snap like a twig

and just start shooting

i have amused myself

and i stamp out the cigarette

and crave beer and some crumbs of bread

too far gone to care... i want to but i don't dare

the drone of machinery envelopes me

in cold metallic wings

too numb to feel

too blind to see

too dulled to need

sudden exctacy

biting hooks tear open skin

exposing insects deep within

gnawing on my strange disease

a simple request - give this to me

don't offer stolen hope

i only want to sear

if there's eternal darkness

it isn't far from here

Estranged emotions, held in check

Twisted understanding, bleached in the sun

Bubblebath of memories, so appealing, so inticed

I will hold my breath, behind this shaded guise

Release the catch, hold my aim

Steady as the crow flies, under darker skies

There was a time, not long ago

I could see, my own face

In a different light, gently smiling

There was a time, now I've passed behind

Bear the weight, hold the shame

Steady as the crow flies, under darker skies

It's me or me, one of us will go

Decisions final, released before me

I don't belong, don't fit in

Don't live here, just visiting

Pull you down, end the game

Steady as the crow flies, under darker skies

Thank God I don't have these sort of dark flashes anymore!

------------------------------------------

in my pocket, the one on the right

i carry three wooden matches

i take the first

and strike it agaist the wall

to light my cigarette

and discard it

watching a small puff of smoke

escape from it's charred tip

the second match

lights a picture

of her

the flame rides a wave of blackness

until i can no longer see her smile

and after a bath of gasoline

i light the third

lover... where are your eyes wandering too?
you know now i'm wondering too
has my relevance escaped you?

lover... you want that i should see past
this diversion until it's passed
and trust that this is nothing to...

concern myself
about
but the more you
give away
is the more i
live without
will there be no crumbs
left to stay around for... now?

lover... i hope that you understand
we all draw lines in our own sand
that are easily erased by time

lover... i can just huddle in fear
and watch your visage disappear
let my eyes follow the contrails you left behind

it's just a game
we play
to keep the flame
from fading out
but newness always
walks away
so would you so easily trade away
what you will have to live without?

we can share our lives
as whole numbers
or divide them into fractions
but i can never settle down and be
the 68th distraction
that keeps you somewhat centered
in a life that is broken and splintered
while you decide if i'm your lover
or no more than a brother
to you

so just look away
i'll be right here in the corner of your eye

inside thse four grey walls

i dream

sweet, warm images

not the truth, but only what i wish was

steadily looking deep

into your eyes, your soul

where your feelings sleep

waiting to be swept up

so i come open

defenses down

as we hold each other - close

closer... melding together..fission..explosion

and then i wake, brutally

the repercussions still echoing

etched into my memory cells

leaving me cold and hungry

shaking like an addict

without a needle to satisfy

to sooth me, to cover me

an opiate for my mind

Trade away an unknown fate

For sure existance without wait

Time meanders like a child

Lost, confused, not reconciled

When hands of silence grip the air

A million thoughts fall from a stare

And lose themselves inside a place

Where hope is bitter to the taste

Like a wave that will not fold

A dream forgotten, a lie untold

A sillouhette of memories past

A ghost in spaces shadows cast

Life is just a dream that we are all in love with

I watch you from the corner of my mind

Drifting by like a vapor cloud

That I could never capture or take in

You leave my words hanging in mid-air

Suspended in time and space

Like a funny comic thought balloon

From somewhere in the Sunday paper

Only followed by three conspicious dots

For they are unfinished...

she says she's happy out on her own

she smiles and tells me she's starting to bloom

but beneath her still voice the monster has grown

it slowly consumes her when she's all alone

ripples and whirlpools surrounding her head

treading the currents the best that she can

but fear is a riptide that pulls from within

she's being slowly sucked under again

a rainbow of colors emptied out on her bed

"i've got a prescription to leave here." she says

and why would you exit with so much to lose

"i hate myself." remains her only excuse

and i've tried to sweep it under the rug

avoiding her questions with only a shrug

and somehow i feel that i am to blame

she has a full house but she's quiting the game